Sunday, 22 February 2009

I knew

It was on January 2nd that i knew.

We had hung out the night before at a club. His idea. I wanted to go to church. But he didn't do church back then. So i went to church. And throughout the sermon and through all the prayers, my thoughts went to him. I prayed fervently and desperately.
I guess i knew before then then.
We usually always know, we can feel them slip away. When four times a day turns to one, and maybe another reluctant one. When the kisses dont feel the same, and when you hug them, the distance seems worse!
I knew. But i was being stubborn.
It was partly because i was just plain tired of broken hearts and relationships. Why couldn't i be one of them? With the courtships that lead to long term relationships in form of marriages or at least, full term commitment? Why do my relationships always have to end?
It was also personal. I was being too stubborn to accept that this guy could like me for three years and then throw it away in two. It hurt my ego to no end; that i could only be liked from afar.
So instead of breaking up before i was broken up with, and instead of a confrontation, i went to church and prayed fervently.
Then i went to the club and hung out with him. And felt maybe i was wrong.
Cos under the influence, he was that boy i fell for again.

Crazy, Caring, and There! In every sense of it!
But the grouch returned in the morning.
Yes, he would claim he is naturally grouchy. But he had not been since we began dating. So i went back to feeling it. Especially as, as the alcohol wore off, so did the p.d.a's
He wouldn't even hug or wave me goodbye!

And there i was on January 2nd.
My glasses broke the night before so moving around was impossible. I sat on the couch and tried to watch television. And tried not to stare at my phone every second.
But he never called.
So i knew.
Cos, what kind of boyfriend doesn't call you on January 2nd just to say hello?
And doesn't find out how you are coping without your glasses?
And doesn't want to see you when you guys stay five minutes away, and you will be travelling tomorrow?
Just doesn't care apparently.
I called him, and we had one of our conversations.
The ones that you guys have worked on so well that you can have even if you are having sex with someone else!

Oh yes i knew.
But knowing is a bitch


  1. heres the thing
    knowing is a bitch
    but acceptance is the whore
    i feel theres a couple service delivery processes
    you find you love you live you leave and be friends
    you find you love you live and you live and be friends
    you find you fuck and pray you can get out
    and so on
    men would stay sometimes leave most times and more often than not stay but in reality are gone baby gone

  2. god i hate knowing..its piercing, hurts so much. Knowing kills you slowly,,its cyanide.

  3. Very haunting, Speechgirl, heartbreakingly sad and haunting. I have read this at least a trillion times yet it has the same effect on me each time.
    Why ever on earth would anyone say they love a person and then spite them? R u kidding? Of course u knw, even a dog can tell the diff btw being kicked and accidentally stumbled over.