Thursday, 26 February 2009

I Won't Lie To My Son

Mothers should not lie to their sons. Because you then give them an overinflated sense of self!

I got pregnant and my ex said i was trying to trap him.

Abeg, judge oh...

He lives with his parents and is currently between jobs.
I work in a bank, live on my own, and my ex before him is a doctor who got an offer to work in Saudi. That was why we broke up, but we are back again in any case!

I just hope he does not start bugging me when the baby comes, or, God forbid, the baby, when he has become a success at whatever he does in future!

My Guy

Love is a game, and the winner is determined by who breaks up first.
Yes oh, and don’t get it twisted. It is not neccessarily the person who said the words first that broke up first oh! Like in my case. I said the words. But he meant them. Infact, the game was well played; you should have seen how well he played his cards and boxed me in a corner, till i gave in and said them! And then, even after that, he gave a stellar performance (oscar deserving). He convinced me that i had blindsided him and he did not see it coming. Then he convinced my friends that he still felt the same and we would get back together. Then he came over and dealt things the final blow.
Wow!

And still, he would look me in the eye and tell me he never meant to hurt me; even when he was hurting me.
My guy, ure either very clueless, or very callous.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Finding the One

Now that I have your attention, I must confess: this post does NOT tell you how to find that ONE. Rather, if anything, you will learn things NOT to do in the quest of this fabled ONE. I am looking for sympathy, quite shamelessly too. Because my God, it just hurts. It hurts really really bad. But everyone says that its not supposed to hurt. I am expected to brush it off and keep going. .....you know, cuz i'm the guy. But really, what does my being male have to do with anything? Being cheated on by the one you'd built your future around hurts regardless of gender. All I really want is for someone to understand.

Yeah, maybe I'm not crying my eyes out and refusing to get out of bed. Neither am I driving past her house if only to catch a glimpse........no, on a whole I am handling things quite well thank you. So far, I have resisted the urge to slash her tires, send threatening texts, have her beaten up, breaking her windscreen, sending our nude pictures and lil videos to her fragile ninety-year old grandmother.........Yep yep I'm doing juuuuust fine. Juuuuust fine.........

Chocolates and Ice Cream, Cigarettes and Alcohol...I'll get over you!

I had become smug I suppose.

Not about being IN love, but smug that I knew the secret to getting over heartbreak.
I had not set out to deliberately get my heart broken (or in some cases, shattered) the number of times it had been broken. It just happened. I guess with the cards life deals us, I got the ‘na├»ve romantic head in the clouds girl’ card. The one that takes you on a journey as you literally and figuratively, try to find Prince Charming, as you hold out for the One. Maybe some other people with that card find the One. I found one, and another, and then another, but sadly, never THE ONE.
And in my quest to find this One, I had to sacrifice my heart.

First it was to that boy in the carpark (please get your minds out of the gutter). Then it was to that Adonis. Then to the dancer. Then to the cute one. Then to the club guy. Then to the… Yikes, it is a long list, may I just skip to the story?
With each one, there was a different level of heartache and destabilisation. And with each, I developed a variant of a formula- music, substance abuse, hate, indifference, eureka!
Music wise, I have been largely helped by Seal, and Tupac, and Alanis Morisette, and in more recent times, Colbie Caillat. With Substances, it has usually been either alcohol or cigarettes, but with Adonis 2, I added prescription meds to the cocktail. Hate was easy, Indifference harder, but eventually, I found it. And I was fine.
So I knew the rules, and the steps. No man was going to make me hurt for too long again. Besides, by Adonis 2, I had another weapon- prayer.

But when this dude showed up with his duffel bag and smile, all those rules disappeared, and what I then had was the process of re-learning! I was no better than a new born baby trying to crawl, then walk, and possibly run. I either forgot the steps, or could not apply them; could not move!
The only thing I could do, was pray, and pray feverishly. And then type. And type furiously!

THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE

1. My reputation
2. Friendship
3. Work
4. Mutual Friends
5. Peace
6. Sanity
7. Power
8. Trust
9. Junior


People say 'Get Over Him'
Poor guy, he even thinks this is about him

I am over him
Emotionally
Physically
Psychologically

Unfortunately, we lost things in the fire.
And i am not over them.
That's what this is about

Not about Tomiwa

m'cO DFGRYHWEJKFKL

Im still crying.
Look at me, im crying now.
Cos i spoke with his friend.
My friend.
A Mutual friend.

You know what ticks me off?
Everyone takes sides.
Even when they say they don't. Cos it's human.
You either believe the one you like more, or the one who brings more into your life.
So our mutual friends? They have all taken sides. And i hate that they don't even bother to HEAR both sides!
I don't care if you ask him what happened! ASK HIM!
I want him to tell you. But why can't you bloody ask me as well instead of working on the information you have
Cos there's always three sides to a story mehn
My side
His side
And the truth!

That's how it works. COs everytime a story is told, it is given a twist to suit the narrator!

How can two months ruin so much?
Friends have to take sides
People i respect won't even say hi (and i don't even want to say hi to them)
Personally, i learnt a lot more than i would have loved to!
It is like my 2007 does not matter any longer!
It does not matter that i threw a fashion show and created awareness for sickle-cell
It does not matter that i worked on AMBO and the APPRENTICE, and MTN GAMESHOW
It does not matter that i wrote and blogged and recorded, and was alive.
ALL that matters are those two months where i allowed myself to fall again!

I was done with love oh. I has wisened up and knew what to do.
But i believed him, for reasons best known to both of us, or maybe just to me. Believed him completely!
And now, it's over cos we both couldn't make it work. But it had to go and get complicated

Hey!
Now, he even gets to hit on my friends and laugh with them.

Monday, 23 February 2009

My boyfriend went to Spain, and all he got me was an std

Some get memorabilia

I didn't.



He travelled for a month, and brought me back a gift. I had never had one, not even as i grew up, not even in boarding house, not even during camp. Then he travels, we boink, and voila! Happy Birthday! Vals Day! Christmas! WHatever Occasion fits the bill!



Bastard

Sunday, 22 February 2009

I knew

It was on January 2nd that i knew.

We had hung out the night before at a club. His idea. I wanted to go to church. But he didn't do church back then. So i went to church. And throughout the sermon and through all the prayers, my thoughts went to him. I prayed fervently and desperately.
I guess i knew before then then.
We usually always know, we can feel them slip away. When four times a day turns to one, and maybe another reluctant one. When the kisses dont feel the same, and when you hug them, the distance seems worse!
I knew. But i was being stubborn.
It was partly because i was just plain tired of broken hearts and relationships. Why couldn't i be one of them? With the courtships that lead to long term relationships in form of marriages or at least, full term commitment? Why do my relationships always have to end?
It was also personal. I was being too stubborn to accept that this guy could like me for three years and then throw it away in two. It hurt my ego to no end; that i could only be liked from afar.
So instead of breaking up before i was broken up with, and instead of a confrontation, i went to church and prayed fervently.
Then i went to the club and hung out with him. And felt maybe i was wrong.
Cos under the influence, he was that boy i fell for again.

Crazy, Caring, and There! In every sense of it!
But the grouch returned in the morning.
Yes, he would claim he is naturally grouchy. But he had not been since we began dating. So i went back to feeling it. Especially as, as the alcohol wore off, so did the p.d.a's
He wouldn't even hug or wave me goodbye!

And there i was on January 2nd.
My glasses broke the night before so moving around was impossible. I sat on the couch and tried to watch television. And tried not to stare at my phone every second.
But he never called.
So i knew.
Cos, what kind of boyfriend doesn't call you on January 2nd just to say hello?
And doesn't find out how you are coping without your glasses?
And doesn't want to see you when you guys stay five minutes away, and you will be travelling tomorrow?
Just doesn't care apparently.
I called him, and we had one of our conversations.
The ones that you guys have worked on so well that you can have even if you are having sex with someone else!

Oh yes i knew.
But knowing is a bitch